Chloe

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Coming to you from Rockingham IPL Radio. Hi, you're listening to IPL Radio, and it's Mish from Good Vibrations here in our podcast room, and I have Chloe with me. Hi, Chloe. Hi. Thanks for coming in. You're in here today because you want to talk about your bipolar journey. Now, I spoke to you before, and you indicated that you don't want to be defined by the title of bipolar. [00:00:26] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:00:26] Speaker A: What do you mean by that exactly? [00:00:29] Speaker B: Well, I had an epiphany. [00:00:32] Speaker A: Oh, yeah? [00:00:33] Speaker B: Yes. One day I realized that I'm not the girl that has suffered throughout her bipolar journey. I'm not that girl that felt guilty for all the bad stuff she's done in her bipolar years. I'm the girl that tries really hard at school, at work, and anything I do, I'm that girl. [00:01:05] Speaker A: Good for you. Good for you. That's awesome. Because we are very much looked at by people, by the title that we're given. Like, for example, I have anxiety and depression, and I went through the same situation. I always was talking to people that I am. I have depression and I have anxiety. But I was giving myself a title. I'm not that person. [00:01:30] Speaker B: No. [00:01:31] Speaker A: So same as you. [00:01:32] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:01:33] Speaker A: Why do people. Why are people looking at you? As soon as you say I'm bipolar, they look at you in a different way. [00:01:38] Speaker B: Yeah, but the thing is, you shouldn't be saying I'm bipolar. You just should be saying, I have bipolar. [00:01:45] Speaker A: Okay. [00:01:46] Speaker B: I have bipolar and I medicated. That's really important to say because I truly believe that anyone that got bipolar has to be medicated. [00:02:02] Speaker A: Okay. Can you explain to me. I don't know a lot about bipolar. Can you explain to me from your point of view, what bipolar is to you? [00:02:13] Speaker B: Bipolar is the uncertainty of the emotions that will be felt on the day. [00:02:21] Speaker A: Is that the same as anxiety? [00:02:25] Speaker B: For example, if I went to work, I would be consistent with my work, like, each day. I would know that I can do a certain amount of work each day. But with bipolar people, they will feel like it one day, and they would totally trash it the next day. [00:02:46] Speaker A: Oh, okay. [00:02:47] Speaker B: You know, so there's no consistency. There's no consistency how you would feel on that day, every day. [00:02:52] Speaker A: Okay. Can we. If it's okay for you, and if there's anything I ask you not comfortable with, you let me know. Right? [00:02:58] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:02:59] Speaker A: Can we go back to the beginning of your story? [00:03:02] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:03:02] Speaker A: How did this start for you? [00:03:05] Speaker B: It started when I lost my mum to lung cancer. [00:03:07] Speaker A: Okay. [00:03:09] Speaker B: I. I. Closed. I was closed off to the world. For a long time. [00:03:19] Speaker A: How old were you then? [00:03:21] Speaker B: Thirteen. [00:03:21] Speaker A: Oh, gosh. Okay, so it's a very difficult teenage years for you. [00:03:26] Speaker B: Yes, very. [00:03:27] Speaker A: Okay, so you closed off on the world. Did you react to the world in a different way? Were you aggressive or. Or did you just go within and just completely shut down? [00:03:43] Speaker B: I was unaware. I was unaware of a lot of things I was doing. [00:03:51] Speaker A: Okay. [00:03:52] Speaker B: Because I was unaware of situation. [00:03:59] Speaker A: Okay, so bipolar is a medical condition. Psychological. Medical condition. [00:04:07] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:04:08] Speaker A: And it can snap and come at any time, is that what you're saying? Or is it something that you're born with and it just progresses? Or how does it evolve? [00:04:20] Speaker B: You get manic and depressive episodes. Like, for example, for me, when I am not on medication and I get really sick, I go in a euphoria. [00:04:35] Speaker A: Okay. [00:04:36] Speaker B: Like. And the euphoria means that you spending a lot of money. [00:04:41] Speaker A: Okay. [00:04:41] Speaker B: You're trotting from one destination to another with no shoes. [00:04:47] Speaker A: Oh, really? [00:04:48] Speaker B: You're being promiscuous? [00:04:50] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:04:51] Speaker B: You know, things like that. [00:04:52] Speaker A: Okay. [00:04:53] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:04:54] Speaker A: So was that happening to you as a teenager? [00:04:57] Speaker B: No, this happened to me in my 20s. [00:04:59] Speaker A: Okay. [00:05:01] Speaker B: No one cared about me enough to say, hey, Chloe, look, you're getting ill. Please go to the hospital. [00:05:08] Speaker A: Okay, so no one recognized the changes in you at that time? [00:05:12] Speaker B: No. No one cared enough to do. [00:05:14] Speaker A: So you're saying that no one cared enough, which I find. Is that an honest opinion? Like, didn't you not have your. You had a father figure. [00:05:28] Speaker B: Yeah. Your brothers and sisters, they couldn't control [00:05:30] Speaker A: me, so they must have cared, but weren't able to understand. [00:05:37] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:05:38] Speaker A: How to. How to relate to you at that time? Yeah, they cared enough. Surely they cared, but they just didn't quite understand how to relate. So you were off the rails. [00:05:53] Speaker B: Off the rails. [00:05:54] Speaker A: Okay. And looking back now as an adult, it was reckless. You were being reckless. [00:06:02] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:06:05] Speaker A: Couldn't you just say you were just having fun as a young person? But it was more than that, right? [00:06:14] Speaker B: I didn't harm anybody. [00:06:16] Speaker A: Just yourself, maybe. Disrespect yourself? [00:06:18] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. [00:06:20] Speaker A: Yeah. So you're disrespecting yourself. How. How does that differ as a. As a 13, 14, 15, 16 year old, whatever age you were, how does that differ from being bipolar to being just a reckless teenager? What was. What's the differences between those two things? [00:06:43] Speaker B: I don't really understand your question, but if I. If I was medicated throughout my bipolar, I would be looking at working, looking at studying, doing things that are beneficial for me. [00:06:59] Speaker A: Okay. [00:07:00] Speaker B: You know, and. Whereas I wasn't on medication and I had bipolar. I wasted 10 years of my life. [00:07:07] Speaker A: Okay, okay, gotcha. So you didn't harm anyone in any way. As you said, you probably disrespected yourself as the only person that you hurt. Right. Or your family, immediate family around you. Because as a teenager, you tend to be quite aggressive to the people that you love or the closest to you, and that pushes people away. How has that changed your relationship? Let's go to your father. How does that change your relationship between your father as a teenager to now as an adult? Are you close to your father? [00:07:44] Speaker B: Yes, I understand that question. As a teenager, I was very. I always bitched about my father. But when I grew up, and then back on medication, I learned to keep him close. Like, you know what they say, Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer. [00:08:07] Speaker A: Yeah, I believe that 100. [00:08:09] Speaker B: Yeah. So that's what I learned to do. That's a skill. And I'm not a big fan of his, I have to say, but yeah, I've learned that skill so I can, okay, manage a. [00:08:24] Speaker A: Some sort of relationship with him. Does he understand your illness? [00:08:29] Speaker B: Yes, he does. [00:08:30] Speaker A: And he wants. He wants to understand your illness? [00:08:33] Speaker B: No, he just understands it. [00:08:36] Speaker A: Okay. From an Asian background. You're from an Asian background. What area are you from? Where were you born? [00:08:44] Speaker B: Malaysia. [00:08:45] Speaker A: Oh, in Malaysia. Okay. So your father's obviously Malaysian. Malaysian. Is there a cultural thing when it comes to psychological illnesses? Do they. Do they want to understand or is it something that they want to hide under the carpet type thing? [00:09:04] Speaker B: If you were in Malaysia and you suffered from bipolar, first of all, they would throw you in a cell and throw away the key. [00:09:15] Speaker A: Really? [00:09:16] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:09:16] Speaker A: So it's a very, very much a hush hush thing. [00:09:20] Speaker B: No. That you get treated like shit. [00:09:22] Speaker A: Really? [00:09:22] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:09:24] Speaker A: Did that happen to you at all? Have you been institutionalised? Can I ask that? [00:09:27] Speaker B: Yes, I have. Many times. [00:09:29] Speaker A: Many times. In Australia and overseas. No, not overseas. In Australia. Were you again, if I ask anything you're uncomfortable with, please tell me. No. Did you. Were you institutionalised on your own merit or did someone encourage it? [00:09:50] Speaker B: People have run. I don't like. I think my brother has run the police. [00:09:55] Speaker A: Okay. [00:09:56] Speaker B: To the mental hospital to come and get me. And they will come in police cars. [00:10:01] Speaker A: Oh, really? Yeah. [00:10:03] Speaker B: It's so dehumanizing. [00:10:06] Speaker A: That's terrible. [00:10:07] Speaker B: But I sat in the back of a police car several times. [00:10:11] Speaker A: No way. [00:10:12] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:10:12] Speaker A: That's disgraceful. [00:10:13] Speaker B: They wouldn't bring an ambulance, just a police car. [00:10:17] Speaker A: Why? This doesn't seem right, that dehumanizing. That's for sure. [00:10:21] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:10:23] Speaker A: That's awful. Can you imagine being at your worst point in your life and a policeman coming to pick you up and throwing you in the back of a car? Police car. [00:10:32] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:10:33] Speaker A: Yeah. Great. Thanks very much for your help. [00:10:35] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:10:36] Speaker A: That's terrible. How did you go with medical assistance when you were. Is that the right word to use? Institutionalised? I don't know anything about anything like that. So I'm sorry if I sound non intellectual, whatever the word is about it because I don't know, I don't know anything about it. But from what I understand and what I've seen is they usually will take you away for three days, make sure on your medication and throw you back home. [00:11:12] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:11:12] Speaker A: Is that something that happens or do they really do put you in for some time? [00:11:16] Speaker B: No. If you're a public nuisance, they keep you, ah, they keep you in longer. [00:11:22] Speaker A: How long have you been in for? [00:11:23] Speaker B: A month. [00:11:24] Speaker A: Oh really? So you were a nuisance? [00:11:27] Speaker B: I was homeless too. [00:11:28] Speaker A: Oh, were you? Oh, okay. Sorry. Oh, okay. Did you find that you got the help that you needed when you were there? [00:11:37] Speaker B: Yes, they, they gave me a house. [00:11:41] Speaker A: Right. [00:11:42] Speaker B: Room one day. [00:11:43] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:11:44] Speaker B: So they were very supportive of my recovery. So I've been very lucky. [00:11:50] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:11:51] Speaker B: Like they, they like me, you know. [00:11:54] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:11:55] Speaker B: In the mental hospital. [00:11:57] Speaker A: Okay. [00:11:58] Speaker B: And they, they want to help me. [00:12:01] Speaker A: That's their job to do that. Right. That you, that's their job to do that, to support you in any way possible to get you through to your next part of your journey. [00:12:12] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:12:13] Speaker A: So obviously medication comes into it when you're in, in there. Social support will come into it. Do you have group therapies and all that sort of thing? [00:12:22] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:12:23] Speaker A: How do you find that? Boring really. Do you open up? [00:12:28] Speaker B: No. [00:12:29] Speaker A: Yeah. See that's the thing. It's all very well going but are they really going to help you? I, I've been in a group therapy once before and I, from my point of view, I don't open up. So what's the point? I would much prefer to be on a one on one situation. And it also comes down to the fact that. Do you trust that person you're talking to? [00:12:45] Speaker B: Yeah. I mean you're in a mental hospital, obviously all these people have mental issues. Why would you open up? [00:12:53] Speaker A: Yeah. Because you don't know how they're going to react or use the information you [00:12:58] Speaker B: told them, you know, so it's so inconvenient. [00:13:01] Speaker A: Yeah. So probably the group therapy is total waste of time and they should shut that down. Yeah, they should Ask people that are in there, what are their thoughts on that? Because the medical facilities tend to have policies on how they do things, but they're not necessarily going to be working. [00:13:19] Speaker B: No. [00:13:20] Speaker A: So they should ask. Really? [00:13:22] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:13:22] Speaker A: Shouldn't they? Can I ask your. When you were a teenager, you were living at home with dad? [00:13:33] Speaker B: Yep. [00:13:35] Speaker A: Did you, did you go home every day? [00:13:37] Speaker B: Yes. [00:13:38] Speaker A: So you did go home every day. So they never had the problem of worrying about where you were? [00:13:42] Speaker B: No. [00:13:42] Speaker A: Okay, so you did go home. So you're a good girl doing that every day. That's good. Can I ask, was there drugs involved? No, no drugs. Good, that's awesome. [00:13:54] Speaker B: Alcohol. [00:13:56] Speaker A: Okay. Alcohol. Age of 13 or not? [00:14:01] Speaker B: Yeah, 13. Not me, though. My dad. [00:14:05] Speaker A: Oh, okay. [00:14:06] Speaker B: Yeah, not me. I'm, I don't drink. [00:14:10] Speaker A: Oh, you're. So alcohol is not involved for you. This is at this for your father. Okay, fine. So there's no drugs or alcohol for you? No, just, Just being maybe promiscuous? [00:14:21] Speaker B: Yeah. No, not even then. Oh, no, not till I'm 17. [00:14:25] Speaker A: Okay. All right, all right, all right. So what were you doing at the age of 13, 14, 15, as a bipolar child? [00:14:32] Speaker B: Going to school and coming home? [00:14:35] Speaker A: Where did the bipolar come in there, though? [00:14:37] Speaker B: In my late 20s. [00:14:39] Speaker A: Oh, I see. Okay, so as you became an adult and you had the freedom to be an adult, this is where things then changed for you? Yeah. Again, drugs and alcohol at that age? No, no, never have been. Not really, but okay, so as a, as a, as a young adult. Yeah, you were. So you finished school. Yep. And you started work? [00:15:14] Speaker B: I did part time work. [00:15:16] Speaker A: Okay. [00:15:16] Speaker B: Like hospitality. [00:15:18] Speaker A: Didn't you, didn't you study? I did, yeah, you did. [00:15:21] Speaker B: I studied four years in uni. [00:15:23] Speaker A: Wow. See, that's huge. Were you medicated then? [00:15:27] Speaker B: No. [00:15:28] Speaker A: You weren't medicated and you studied for four years? [00:15:30] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:15:30] Speaker A: How did you get through that? [00:15:33] Speaker B: I, Sorry, I, I, I got bipolar in my mid-20s. [00:15:39] Speaker A: Ah, okay. [00:15:40] Speaker B: And then I, by the time I finished all my studies, which I never graduated, but then my bipolar came along. [00:15:48] Speaker A: Oh, okay, I misunderstood. I, I, I, I thought, I misunderstood. I thought you said you got your bipolar at 13 when your mother died. [00:15:56] Speaker B: No, my, when my mom, my mom dying was part of, contributed to my bipolar. [00:16:03] Speaker A: Okay, got it. Okay, got it. But it got full blown in your late twenties. [00:16:08] Speaker B: Mid twenties. [00:16:09] Speaker A: Mid twenties. Full blown, mid twenties. What does full blown mid twenties for you? What was that like? [00:16:18] Speaker B: As I can play music for hours just lying there. [00:16:24] Speaker A: All right. [00:16:24] Speaker B: Just lying on the couch? [00:16:26] Speaker A: Yeah. Is your mind blank? [00:16:29] Speaker B: Yes. [00:16:30] Speaker A: Mind completely blank. Are you actually listening to the music or is this actually nothing there? [00:16:35] Speaker B: No, I'm listening to the music. [00:16:36] Speaker A: So you're listening to the music. What music are you listening to? [00:16:39] Speaker B: Just Rihanna. [00:16:40] Speaker A: Really? You could have found something better, Ian Bedal. Okay, so listening to me and so did that settle you, relax you? [00:16:51] Speaker B: Yeah, I fell asleep. [00:16:53] Speaker A: Okay, so it fell asleep from the music. So you weren't able to function on a day to day basis due to your bipolar? When did you find out that this is what was going on and you needed assistance? What happened? What happened the day that you figured out that you needed assistance or did someone figure that out for you? [00:17:10] Speaker B: My friend took me to the doctors and the doctor said that you better take her to the mental hospital if she's not. Before it's too late. [00:17:21] Speaker A: Wow, that's pretty extreme. [00:17:23] Speaker B: Yeah, I was. It was getting too late. [00:17:29] Speaker A: What did your friend see in you that felt that she needed to take you to the doctor? [00:17:36] Speaker B: I had all this disruptive behavior. [00:17:39] Speaker A: Were you ever physically. Was there any self harm at all? [00:17:49] Speaker B: Sorry? [00:17:49] Speaker A: Self harm? Was there any self harm? Any. Bless you. Bless you. Was there any suicidal tendencies? [00:18:07] Speaker B: I would never have gone through with it. [00:18:09] Speaker A: But you had thought. [00:18:10] Speaker B: I had thoughts, yeah. [00:18:14] Speaker A: Did you have thoughts? Because you've just mentioned that you would never go through it. Why were the thoughts there because you had enough of what was going on in your life? [00:18:25] Speaker B: No, I felt a lot of grief for the passing of my mum. [00:18:28] Speaker A: Okay, got it. That's a good answer. Have you had assistance with the griefing, the grieving for your mum up until now? [00:18:43] Speaker B: Not really. [00:18:45] Speaker A: No counselling at all? [00:18:47] Speaker B: Yes, I kind of got over it because it's been a long time already. [00:18:52] Speaker A: I don't think you ever get over that though. It's always going to be there. You can carry on with your life. [00:19:00] Speaker B: I still tear up. I still have emotion when I see someone else die on the TV or something. I still tear up. That's my. Yeah, but I don't like sometimes when I think about her, I don't always cry anymore. [00:19:17] Speaker A: Okay. Okay. Do you. Do you feel that you've missed out a lot? Not having. Did you have another mother figure there? No, not at all. No aunties or nothing. And at 13 is a very difficult age for a child for. For a girl to be going through. You've got a sister, haven't you? Have you got a sister? [00:19:38] Speaker B: No. [00:19:38] Speaker A: No sisters. [00:19:39] Speaker B: No sisters. [00:19:40] Speaker A: So how did you go through puberty with no female figure? Friends? [00:19:44] Speaker B: One of my friends telling me about tampons. [00:19:48] Speaker A: Wow. It's A hard time for a young girl. Really hard time for a young girl. And at that time as well, your emotions and your hormones are just all over the place. So that would have been really difficult time. So your friend took you to the doctor. The doctor suggested that you go to emergency or to a mental health institution as soon as possible. What happened at that point? Did she take you? [00:20:22] Speaker B: I can't really remember. [00:20:23] Speaker A: Okay. Can't remember. [00:20:24] Speaker B: A long time ago. [00:20:25] Speaker A: Yeah. Okay, that's fine. So let's say that she did. Hopefully, that she would have done that. I'm sure she probably did. And they would have. You would have started your medication. [00:20:36] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:20:38] Speaker A: So you started medication around mid-20s? [00:20:42] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:20:42] Speaker A: Yeah. Okay, mid-20s. How did. How did the cha. How did the change in your life happen? From being at a point where the doctor say, hey, look, you know, you really need to get into mental health facility before it's too late, which is pretty aggressive, to going onto medication. How did it change your life? [00:21:05] Speaker B: At that point of time, I still didn't believe that I had. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia at first. At that point of time, I refused to believe I had schizophrenia. So I did not take my medication religiously. [00:21:21] Speaker A: Okay, and that's a bad thing? Yeah, that's a really bad thing because I know with my medication for depression, anxiety, if I miss anything, it just. It's a spiral. You go up. It's up and down. It's like a roller coaster. [00:21:32] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:21:32] Speaker A: It just. Your body has no idea what's going on. So how long did it take you to figure out. Hang on. Hang on a minute. I really do need to do something about this. How long were you. [00:21:41] Speaker B: Maybe after I met my partner. [00:21:44] Speaker A: So. So that's quite. How long time that. So let's say 25, six years? [00:21:50] Speaker B: Six or seven. [00:21:50] Speaker A: Wow, that's a lot. So you were. You were on this roller coaster of meds. No meds. Meds. No meds. For six years. That would have been hard in itself. [00:22:03] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:22:04] Speaker A: So then you met your partner. How did he change your life? [00:22:14] Speaker B: Well, I respected him. [00:22:16] Speaker A: Did he. Did he confirm to you that you needed medication? Did he support you with that? [00:22:24] Speaker B: I. Yeah, he did. He did support me with it, yeah. [00:22:29] Speaker A: So did he say to you, look, I think you really do need to take medication? At what point did you say, yes, I do need to start taking medication [00:22:37] Speaker B: every day when I got pregnant. [00:22:40] Speaker A: Wow. Okay. [00:22:41] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:22:41] Speaker A: All right. So you've gone, shit, I'm gonna have a baby. I need to sort my crap out. I better start taking my meds. So did you then realise that you had an issue? Did it become real? [00:22:54] Speaker B: No, because after I had a baby, I stopped my meds because I wanted to see if I really had bipolar or not. And I did and I crashed and burned. [00:23:09] Speaker A: Oh, wow. [00:23:10] Speaker B: And from then on I took my meds. [00:23:13] Speaker A: So you needed to have that absolute complete crash and burn, as you say, to be able to go, hang on a minute. I think I do need to do something about this. It's funny how that happens though, because a lot of things in people's lives, they have to go to the absolute worst situation before they can figure out that they need to do something about it. So what age are you now? 30. Not now. I mean, when you had your child. [00:23:40] Speaker B: The 31. [00:23:44] Speaker A: 31. Gosh. So you've gone all the way up to 31 thinking that there's nothing wrong with me. I don't really need any help to crashing and burning and going, shit, I do need something and I do need the help. So then you've asked for assistance, you've asked for help, they've given you your medication. You started taking medication on a day to day basis and you've done that now up until now, or have you had any more times that you've gone, I don't think I need it. [00:24:14] Speaker B: No, I've been sober for five, six years. [00:24:19] Speaker A: Okay. All right, so you've been for five, six years. [00:24:22] Speaker B: So 20. 20. [00:24:25] Speaker A: 2020 was what? [00:24:27] Speaker B: When I started taking my medication religiously. [00:24:30] Speaker A: Oh, gosh. Okay. So even when you had the child, you didn't. Didn't take the medication? [00:24:36] Speaker B: I didn't take my medication because it interfered with being pregnant. [00:24:40] Speaker A: Fair enough. Fair enough. And breastfeeding. Did you breastfeed? [00:24:46] Speaker B: Briefly, yeah. [00:24:46] Speaker A: I didn't. Yeah. I mean, all these things go through your head when you're pregnant. I shouldn't be taking anything bad, Right. I mean, that's understandable. We'd all feel the same way. So 2020 is when you started your life, started again? Pretty much. You became. You became the person that you should be. [00:25:05] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:25:06] Speaker A: And that came with the medication. [00:25:09] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:25:10] Speaker A: How did life change for you at that moment? When from 2020. [00:25:22] Speaker B: I'm more aware. [00:25:23] Speaker A: Okay. [00:25:28] Speaker B: I'm more responsible. [00:25:29] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:25:34] Speaker B: Organized. [00:25:35] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:25:39] Speaker B: I have friends. [00:25:40] Speaker A: Terrific. So you can hold friends before that? [00:25:44] Speaker B: No. [00:25:45] Speaker A: What happened to the girl? That or the woman that helped you out taking to the doctors in the first place? He's just friends with her. [00:25:50] Speaker B: No, there was a whole bunch of them. They cut me off. [00:25:54] Speaker A: Oh, really? [00:25:57] Speaker B: But it doesn't matter because someone said I Think. Someone said to me that if they're your friend, they'll always be your friend. [00:26:04] Speaker A: Correct. Yeah. [00:26:05] Speaker B: It doesn't matter what you've got. What happened, you know? So they weren't my friends. [00:26:09] Speaker A: They weren't real friends. They weren't real friends. No, they weren't real friends. [00:26:12] Speaker B: So I'm not cut up. [00:26:13] Speaker A: That's good. That's good. She was there at the time when she. You needed her. She did what she needed at the time. And now your journey's moved on and. Yeah. You don't need them anymore. So you've got your partner. And I know that you recently got married. Congratulations. [00:26:30] Speaker B: Oh, thank you. [00:26:31] Speaker A: That's amazing. How did it all go? [00:26:33] Speaker B: Yeah, everything went well. [00:26:36] Speaker A: The weather was good. [00:26:37] Speaker B: Yes. It was just a day before it got. It was raining. [00:26:41] Speaker A: Oh, that would have been a worry. Yeah, that would have been a worry. So that was literally September, right? [00:26:47] Speaker B: Yeah, September 25th. [00:26:49] Speaker A: Wow, that's great. So do you feel. Since you've been taking your medication and you're becoming the person that you need to be, do you feel like you've. It's almost like you've been rebirthed? [00:27:06] Speaker B: Yes. [00:27:07] Speaker A: Into what? The person that you should have been. [00:27:10] Speaker B: But now I feel like an old lady. [00:27:13] Speaker A: Don't we all? Like, it's not too late, though. I mean, you've done. [00:27:18] Speaker B: You've. [00:27:19] Speaker A: You've been to university. I know you didn't finish. Do you want to finish? [00:27:26] Speaker B: The illness has taken a toll on my ability. [00:27:29] Speaker A: Okay, that's fine. [00:27:31] Speaker B: Like, for example, concentration skills, memory skills and all. [00:27:35] Speaker A: That's okay. Yeah. [00:27:37] Speaker B: So that's taking a toll. [00:27:39] Speaker A: And you've come to the recognition that you won't be able to complete that. [00:27:44] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:27:45] Speaker A: And that's okay. [00:27:46] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:27:47] Speaker A: Okay, good. And with work, because obviously when you met, you medicated. But does that. You're on medication. The medication is helping you with your organizational skills, being committed to things. Can you work? [00:28:12] Speaker B: I don't think so. Not because I'm slack or anything, but it's to do with the bipolar. I can't offer consistency. [00:28:21] Speaker A: Even with the medication? [00:28:23] Speaker B: Even with the medication. [00:28:26] Speaker A: Is that just your mind telling you that? Have you tried? [00:28:34] Speaker B: No, I observe myself at home. [00:28:36] Speaker A: Okay. All right, that's fine. [00:28:38] Speaker B: There's days where I'm really into housework, and then there's days that I'm not. [00:28:43] Speaker A: That's normal. Yeah. No, that's fair enough. I totally understand with you there. So from what you've seen in yourself, which is great because you're looking outside the box and you're aware of yourself that you can't hold a job and be committed to a job, even though you're really hard work and you know you can do it. [00:29:05] Speaker B: Yeah. You. [00:29:06] Speaker A: You don't think you can commit to the job and that in that way, you feel that you're not going to fulfill that position the way that you would like to fulfill it. [00:29:17] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:29:17] Speaker A: Right. [00:29:19] Speaker B: The thing is, what I find hard about it is what job? [00:29:24] Speaker A: Okay. [00:29:25] Speaker B: You know, office too boring. [00:29:28] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:29:29] Speaker B: Hospitality too quick on your feet. I'm slow. I can't keep up. [00:29:36] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:29:36] Speaker B: So what work? [00:29:37] Speaker A: So what work? Yeah. [00:29:39] Speaker B: Like, there's that question as well. [00:29:43] Speaker A: Can you work from home? [00:29:47] Speaker B: I can, but those positions are hard to come. Are they? [00:29:51] Speaker A: You need to find out. You need to start your own little business in some way, because that way you can work on it. The times that you're clear in your head and you can work and then you can go and have a rest. When you need to have a rest, you need to find something that you can work in your time, not in somebody else's time. That's the hard part, though, isn't it? Trying to find out what that is. Going back to your bipolar story, have you discussed your story ever before? [00:30:19] Speaker B: No. [00:30:19] Speaker A: Apart from counseling? [00:30:22] Speaker B: No. [00:30:23] Speaker A: What made you come in and do it today? [00:30:28] Speaker B: I just want to tell my story. I don't know. I like the idea, and I thought, oh, let's do it. [00:30:36] Speaker A: Do you think it's therapeutic for you in any way? [00:30:42] Speaker B: Well, I. When I was in Victoria, I participated in a play called Listening to Voices. [00:30:53] Speaker A: Oh, yeah? [00:30:53] Speaker B: Have you heard of them? [00:30:54] Speaker A: No. [00:30:55] Speaker B: Well, it's about play, about mental illness. You know, I played the bipolar, and then Ben played the schizophrenic. Kate Kelly and Sarah played the association. No, disassociative. [00:31:19] Speaker A: Oh, okay. [00:31:20] Speaker B: Yeah. So we all play. And I've always liked to be famous. [00:31:27] Speaker A: Okay. Really? [00:31:30] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:31:31] Speaker A: Careful what you ask for. I wouldn't want to be famous. No, [00:31:36] Speaker B: no. I like. I like the limelight. [00:31:40] Speaker A: Okay, fair enough. So you think that. So you. Okay. So not only are you talking about your story today, but you're hoping that you would get. But then we should have videoed it. Shouldn't we video it? You should have videoed it if you want to put your work. Your face on. Yeah. Well, I think it's extremely courageous for you to come in and do that, because some people, it's really difficult to open up. So thank you for doing that. I'm glad that life for you is becoming somewhat normal or you're normal. And that's totally fine. You know, whatever your normal is, is the way you've got to live your life. Don't live your life in what everybody else thinks you should be doing. [00:32:23] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:32:25] Speaker A: I also think you should be finding a little bit of a niche in a job that you could be doing. Have you tried podcasting at home about your story? Maybe you could podcast at home and talk to people because other people can relate to you. [00:32:40] Speaker B: Yeah. That's your job. [00:32:43] Speaker A: Oh, thanks. Okay. Yeah, I know it's hard. It's very hard talking to no one. It's easier for me to talk to somebody. If I was in here talking on my own, I wouldn't be able to do it. So I think that's. I think you're right there. Have you. So life today is. You've got. You've got your two beautiful children, which takes up a huge amount of time, as I know having kids is a big job. You've got your new husband and married life. How's your day to day life? Are you much of a socialiser? [00:33:25] Speaker B: No, I'm not. [00:33:26] Speaker A: Do you want to change that? [00:33:32] Speaker B: It's quite complicated. [00:33:34] Speaker A: I know. Like, people are hard. Yeah, people are hard work. Judgment's hard work. [00:33:40] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:33:40] Speaker A: Do you get scared of being judged? [00:33:47] Speaker B: No, not really. [00:33:48] Speaker A: Good. That's good. You don't care what people think of you? No. Good. That's good. That helps a lot. [00:33:55] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:33:55] Speaker A: Because people are terrible with judgment. [00:33:57] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:33:58] Speaker A: It's a terrible human trait. I know from my point of view, being around people, I don't like being around a lot of people that I don't know. My anxiety kicks in and I find I'm being judged. I do care about what people think. That's the difference. Yeah. So if I meet, I carry, I carry. [00:34:22] Speaker B: I care about them. [00:34:25] Speaker A: Okay. But you don't know if you don't know who they are. [00:34:27] Speaker B: Yeah. If I don't know who they are, I don't care that much. [00:34:29] Speaker A: That makes sense. I'm. I'm the opposite. I care about whoever is looking at me. I don't care whether I know them or not. And that's ridiculous. I know it's ridiculous. I know, I know. But I can't help it. [00:34:41] Speaker B: That's like the biggest waste of time. [00:34:43] Speaker A: I know. Tell me about it. It's hard. It takes a lot of energy as well. Yeah, a lot of energy. I'm trying. I'm trying to be better at that. I am trying to be better at that. And I think that comes with age as well. You get to A point more self esteem. I don't have any of that. [00:35:00] Speaker B: Really. [00:35:01] Speaker A: Yeah. No. I never have. Never have. [00:35:06] Speaker B: How can you do this job? [00:35:07] Speaker A: I don't know. [00:35:08] Speaker B: You can do this job, then you can some sort of self help. [00:35:11] Speaker A: Because what I feel, because of my past history of mental health, with my depression and my anxiety, my past history with people in my life who have suicided, I feel my job is to get the word out there. I want people to understand that it's okay to talk about mental health and everyone's journey is completely different. And I want people to be able to not be scared about opening up. I just feel this is my calling. [00:35:41] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:35:42] Speaker A: I really do. I really feel like I'm meant to be doing this. [00:35:45] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:35:47] Speaker A: But if I had to go out and talk to a group of people that I don't know even coming in here this morning, because I know you on a personal level before you come in, I was really nervous about you and I sitting together. But in the end, it's all about getting your story out. Yeah. And I love the fact that people can share their stories because even if there's one person out there who can relate to your story, it might help them in whatever way it may be. [00:36:19] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:36:20] Speaker A: I just think it's needed to be. We all talk about titles and like, you know, bipolar and Depression, but it's more than that. We're more than that. [00:36:32] Speaker B: Yes. [00:36:32] Speaker A: We're not. [00:36:33] Speaker B: We're not defined by that. [00:36:35] Speaker A: We're not defined by that. And that's what we're here. That's what you're here for. [00:36:38] Speaker B: That's what I'm here. [00:36:39] Speaker A: Exactly. [00:36:40] Speaker B: I'm not that gay. [00:36:41] Speaker A: You're a mother. You're a female. You're human. You know, you're a wife. It's not about the titles that people give you. Yeah. And I'm glad that you've come in and realized that whenever that was, that you are more than that title. We are human. We are. We are all different in. In multitudes of ways. [00:37:09] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:37:09] Speaker A: And that's okay. Yeah, it's okay. [00:37:13] Speaker B: It is okay. [00:37:14] Speaker A: Because if we weren't. If we were the same, how boring would that be? [00:37:18] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:37:18] Speaker A: We are unique because of our individuality. And I think it's. We should. We should praise and celebrate people's individualities. [00:37:35] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:37:36] Speaker A: And uniquenesses. And. And I find that my. I am unique because of my imperfections. And that's okay. [00:37:49] Speaker B: Yeah, it is fine. [00:37:50] Speaker A: It's fine. So is there anything else you want to bring up before we finish? Is there something else that you wanted to. That we haven't gone over that you wanted to bring up, why you're here. Did we cover what you wanted to cover? [00:38:05] Speaker B: I just want to say to all those friends that left me in my bipolar years, if you ever want to come back into my life, I welcome it. Okay. And. But if you don't, it's okay to, you know, I don't mind. And. Yeah, that's pretty much it. [00:38:35] Speaker A: Good for you, Chloe. I really appreciate you coming in. Great. Very courageous. Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing your story. If you ever want to come back again, the doors always open here at IPL Radio. I don't know whether you know much about IPL Radio, but we're all about mental health here. [00:38:50] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:38:51] Speaker A: We're all volunteers, Every single one of us here. There's always an opening if you ever want to come and get involved. [00:38:57] Speaker B: Okay. [00:38:58] Speaker A: You could be part of the radio. There's always something to do. You could do editing. There's always something to do. We're all volunteers here. We're all part of. We call it the IPL Family because we're all. We've all got our uniquenesses. We've all got our stories, but we don't care. We're all here because we want to be here, and we're comfortable here. [00:39:18] Speaker B: That's cool. I might take you up on that. [00:39:21] Speaker A: So if you ever want to come in, that door's always open. There's always a couch there and a coffee on. IPL stands for inspiring passionate lives. And we're all here because we want to inspire ourselves. [00:39:35] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:39:35] Speaker A: And others. [00:39:36] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:39:37] Speaker A: So if you ever want to get behind the radio, play some music. It's great fun. I love it. I absolutely love it. So, again, thank you so much for coming in, Chloe. We're going to leave it there. Thank you all for listening, everybody on podcast here at IPL Radio. You've been listening to Mish and Good Vibrations. Have a great day and keep smiling. Coming to you from Rockingham IPL Radio.